Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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