we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
