You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
