There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
