I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
