I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
