I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
