apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
