Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
