i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
