if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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