my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
