i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
