Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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