I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
