i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
