Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
