my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
