headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
