Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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