So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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