Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
