I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
