I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
