Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
