Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
That accounts for only three of the penises
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
