Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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