awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
