i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
