dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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