I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
