god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
