Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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