hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
