Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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