I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
