Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
