if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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