Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
