She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
