i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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