PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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