were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
