What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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