May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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