either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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