True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
