My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
