Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
