It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
