i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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